11th November 2017
Look, I really couldn’t tell you. This question
seems to come up quite frequently, and the best response I can give is, “Uh, I’m a bad Christian.” It’s either
that, or, “Mm, not a very good one. Haha.”
Which obviously elicits further questions like, “So, are you a part of a church?” Or, “Are you religious?” And to both I answer, “no.” Which is entirely true. I go to the occasional church
service, but I don’t see myself as a member of any congregation. Nor do I see
myself as religious. Maybe one day I will. I mightn’t even completely devote
myself to Christianity (as I did when I was eleven). Maybe I’ll get really into
Judaism, or Islam, just to spite the freshly baptised child Meg.
Nah, I doubt it. But life’s weird, so who knows? Buddhism
does seem kind of fun?
Something I really hate responding with though, is,
“I’m spiritual”. It sounds really special
(pronounced with a lisp). And what makes it feel more special (lisp) for me is
that it’s completely true. I’m a very spiritual person; and whenever people ask
me for my views on religion or philosophy, all I can offer them is, “I believe that we’re all connected, and in
the energies of the universe, and God, and love. Love is my religion.” (Vomit.) I could get away with saying it
if I were a devout vegan yogi who doesn’t own shoes, with hair down to my bum
and a ready supply of weed. But I’m not that person. I just got a new pair of
really cute leather sandals, and my hairdresser is really good at pixie cuts.
But like, I still say it. Because it’s the best
I’ve got.
It would make sense for me to say that I don’t
really see myself as a proper bona fide Christian, because I’ve been let down
by the Church, like so many others. But that’s not true. One: because I’ve
never been majorly let down by a church, or anyone in a church. Sure, some
people have said and done things that haven’t made me, or the ones that I love,
feel welcome. And some of the people I just plain don’t like. But for the most
part, they’re goodhearted people. Two: I don’t root my spirituality in other
people. I love other people. Don’t get me wrong. And maybe I’ll meet someone
extra, extra special, and be like, “you
are my religion.” (Again, life is weird.) And you might be a people
religion sort of person, but for me it’s too personal to be founded within a
group of humans (chickens, however.)
If we get down to it though, the real reason I have
difficulty calling myself a Christian is because I’m really unsure about the
resurrection. And, you know, that’s the soft, gooey, all-eternal-life-promising
core of Christianity. And the reason I’m questioning the resurrection is
because my understanding of God is constantly evolving. The more I learn about
different people, the more I experience, and the more I observe the natural
(and not so natural) world: the idea of God that I had as an eleven year old continues
to be warped, and stretched, and all sorts of other things.
God, to me, is larger than the personified version
we learn about in Sunday School. And I really couldn’t tell you much more about
the guy, except that the reality of him is, most likely, not as simple as some
big man in the sky who only allows a select few to experience eternal life in
heaven. (That sounds elitist to me, and not very gracious at all.) I reckon
God’s a life force with every aspect and feature of humankind represented in
some… thing. It’s been challenging to be so open to ideas that contradict what
I’ve been brought up with. But I’ve enjoyed it immensely. Humbling, is probably
the better word. To know that I don’t know for sure opens me up to so many
fantastical concepts, and I’ve found that I’ve been able to love more easily as
a result (which is great, because I’m a full on romantic).
My spirituality comes from a strange sense of total
awareness, and an appreciation for how everything came to be, even if I can
only grasp tiny fragments of what that is. I believe in an abstracted version
of God. I believe Jesus was a mad radical with a lot of good things to say (and
quite possibly a drinking problem, but that’s understandable.) And I believe
hugs make everything better (but not communicable diseases. Do not hug anyone
if you have a communicable disease.)
So, am I a Christian? Um, I guess so. Just not a
very good one. Haha.