5th August 2017
I’ve been doing a lot of really interesting things, in
quite a short period of time, and have been in contact with lots of interesting
people. If you know me well, you’ll know I’m a hugger. I’m not just a hugger of
close friends and family; I’m a hugger of strangers, and trees, and sometimes
my car (I love you, Fiona Ford Focus). This stranger ran into the back of Fiona
one time with her husband’s Jaguar, and felt so awful about the whole situation
that I absolutely needed to give her a hug. And then I hugged my car, and I
wouldn’t be surprised if she hugged her car too.
What I’m basically getting at is I’ll hug anyone and
everyone. And for the past three or so months, I’ve been in contact with, and
hugged, lots of interesting people, both old and new. And when I say both old
and new, I don’t mean that the people were either old or baby (although there
have certainly been babies and the old). I mean they’ve been a person who has
been a part of my life for a long time, or not a long time at all. There are also
the people who sit in that grey section, and they confuse me a little bit if
I’m honest.
As a hugger, I’ve scrutinised the ways in which
the people in my life have hugged me. Or how they’ve hugged other people. Below
you will see a kind-of-not-really-extensive list of human-to-human embraces. (Specifically
hugs though, you can read Cosmopolitan Magazine to learn more about other
human-to-human embraces, if you get my gist.)
The Virgin Hug
When the person is new to human contact with anyone who
isn’t his or her mother. They will take all measures to ensure no part of their
body touches the recipient for fear that it will lead to a full blown proper
decent hug. Either that or they just have no idea how to do it yet. They are
especially terrified of the kiss on the cheek, because they have no idea what
that even means. Virgin Hugs can be seen amongst twelve year old girls, the
very British, and, most prevalently, in seventeen year old males. Like with
sex, they can improve their hugging skills with research, practise, open-mindedness,
and open-arms.
The We’ve Never Met Before Hug
And hugging feels really awkward but it would be even more
awkward if we didn’t hug. It isn’t dissimilar to The Virgin Hug, because both
parties are afraid of committing to the unknown; but both know that the only
thing that would make this encounter even more uncomfortable is if they were to
look like two teenaged boys avoiding unexplainable erections. As a result: the
hands lightly touch the other person’s shoulders, the heads are turned away, they
let their torsos touch for about three seconds, and very quickly let go. You
can see these kinds of hugs when: somebody is dragged along to a party by their
friend and they meet a heap of people they don’t know, but their friend insists
they’re really nice so you have to pretend to be friends with them, and just
before you leave for the night you hug everyone to put the cherry on top of the
introvert’s worst nightmare. The We’ve Never Met Before Hug is also a must at
any first date with a Tinder match.
The Obligatory Filial Hug
So, this one can be broken down into a few categories, but
I’ll only mention two. The hug you want to give, and the hug that, like a bad
Christmas present, you have to pretend to be okay with. The first Obligatory
Filial Hug is the hug you give that Aunty who makes you good food and tells you
you’re so beautiful: this hug is warm and brief, but only brief because you
have to hug everyone else in the family. The second Obligatory Filial hug is
the one enforced upon you by that creepy uncle (is he even your uncle?) who
smells, and licks his lips as he looks you up and down: you must be wary of bum
grabs, and prepared for the inevitable kiss. I strongly recommend taking a long
shower afterwards (and making sure all windows and door gaps are concealed).
The Baby Hug
I didn’t realise how clucky I was until I was hugged by a
baby, oh my Lord.
The I Don’t Hug People Hug
This one is pretty self-explanatory. I have a few friends
who just don’t like being hugged, so I just send them huggy vibes. I don’t
understand why they don’t like being hugged, in the same way I don’t understand
why people like capsicum; but I respect them and their preferences nonetheless
(because what kind of human would I be if I didn’t?)
The I Can’t Believe I Just Hugged You Hug
Okay, so this might not happen to many of you. But it does
to me, because it seems I have very little self-control when it comes to giving
surprise affection. Lady in Jaguar is just one example. I’ve hugged a waitress,
because I realised I’d never see her again. Old people are also common targets.
These are proper good hugs, with a quick kiss on the cheek, and the recipient
unsure of whether or not to feel mildly violated. In my defense though, I’ll always
ask, “Can I hug you?” To which
they’ll respond with, “Oh, um, yes, sure,
I guess so?”
The Virtual Hug
Despite me being in places where hugs have been readily
available, there are still specific people I wish I could be hugging. But I
can’t, because they’re a very long way away from me. It’s kind of like sexting,
I suppose. Only instead of sending naughty things like how you’d like to lick
Nutella off of their face, you just send them a message saying, “I’d like to hug you, and listen to your
heartbeat.” Isn’t that nice? I can feel my sister judging me from where
ever she is right now.
The Full Blown Proper Decent Hug
The kind of hug where both huggers have no shame; they fuse
themselves together into a singular blob of human mass, they fall to the floor,
and forget about war, terminal diseases, and homeless kittens. My Dad gives
pretty good Full Blown Proper Decent Hugs, as does my friend, Aidan. They can
last from one minute, to an hour (all depending on how much either person needs
it). I also give pretty good Full Blown Proper Decent Hugs, not to brag or
anything.
The Best Hug You Will Ever Get Hug
Currently taking applications*, as I am yet to receive The
Best Hug You Will Ever Get Hug. I’m imagining they should smell good and know
how much squeeze is just enough. (*May be an elaborate plot to hug more
people.)