30th September 2016
What’s it like to stray from a fundamentally Christian upbringing? Well, in short – no, not really short, this is always going to take a while to explain. To begin with: it’s scary and you honestly feel like you’re betraying your family, and your friends, and your teachers, and, above all, yourself: because, for your entire life, you are made to believe that this code of conduct is truly who you are. You were born into the church, you will grow up in the church, and you will marry, reproduce, and die within the church. And if there is anything about yourself that varies from this Christian ideology of “good”: then sorry. You’re out. God’s undying love is not for you. Go and be your heretic-self elsewhere.
What’s it like to stray from a fundamentally Christian upbringing? Well, in short – no, not really short, this is always going to take a while to explain. To begin with: it’s scary and you honestly feel like you’re betraying your family, and your friends, and your teachers, and, above all, yourself: because, for your entire life, you are made to believe that this code of conduct is truly who you are. You were born into the church, you will grow up in the church, and you will marry, reproduce, and die within the church. And if there is anything about yourself that varies from this Christian ideology of “good”: then sorry. You’re out. God’s undying love is not for you. Go and be your heretic-self elsewhere.
I should probably stop using the pronoun “you”,
because I can honestly only speak from my own experiences. I should probably
also note that my experiences within the church have not been anywhere near as
ostracising as some of the experiences of my friends. Perhaps this is so
because I made an effort to separate myself from the hip and trendy youth
pastors upon learning that my identity did not fit with what they paraded in
their sermons.
There seemed to be a long list of things that you
couldn’t do, and I’m not sure anybody had any idea on where this list was;
because nobody, that I asked, could give me an extensive answer on why the
things that they said were bad, were bad. I was expected to take Bible verse as
law; which didn’t make total sense to me, but I was too scared to ask of
anything further.
When I was younger, I was obsessed with the Harry
Potter books; until a girl from church told me that Harry Potter was of the
devil. This terrified me to the point of asking my parents to get rid of all
seven of my books, and refusing to partake in anything magical (I even
boycotted parts of my school curriculum). It was also common to be prayed
for whenever a physical ailment became present. It was common knowledge within
the church that my mental health sucked, and so I was often told “that I would
be prayed for until I no longer required medication”. Or “I believe that you’ll
be off your medication in a year”. I’m sure these people were well intending,
but to me it sounded like my faith wasn’t enough. That it was my fault I
needed medication due to some lack in spiritual superiority. Church also taught
me that sex was not good. I remember hearing a leader say in a boys bible study
“it’s okay to want these things”. Where as in my girls bible study, we were
taught that wanting sex was disgusting. If this sexual shaming wasn't enough, a
woman once told us how she'd told her daughter to not hang out with another
girl “because she’s a lesbian!”
It was such nurturing environment: catering to
physical, mental, and spiritual growth. (Groan.)
When I made the observation that I did not fit into
the church as I was: I decided to attempt distancing myself from the Christian
stereotype, and, at the same time, maintain a sense of spirituality that
made me feel good about my existence in the world. So I began to slowly abandon
the church in search of a more authentic self by experimenting with life and
all of its adrenaline inducing features.
I've allowed myself to read the “evil” books that I've wanted to read, watch the “bad” things that I've wanted to watch, do the “sacred”
and "filthy" things that I've wanted to do. I've let myself take
medications without fear of going to hell for not believing enough in God’s
all-healing powers. I've let myself be okay with same-sex couples getting married
(because love is love and isn’t that what Jesus was all about?) And, in turn,
be okay with my own girly attractions and my sexuality as a whole
(apparently ladies can be sexual beings – who knew?) I’ve even allowed myself
to open my own Pottermore account without any fear of eternal damnation. (I’m
in Slytherin, and I’m convinced God loves Tom Riddle just as much as he loves
anyone else. Voldy’s just a little misunderstood and seeks acceptance. In fact,
aren’t all Death Eaters in want of a little validation?)
Once I’d overcome the initial fears of becoming a
black sheep; I realised how many other black sheep there are out here. There
are even loving and accepting black sheep Christians who will celebrate the
unavoidably vibrant differences of humankind. It's nice to know that the flock
of black sheep is the most colourful.
