Ellie's Minions

28th July 2016

I was reading this article on Inner Speech the other day (or week, I can’t remember) and my sister, Ellie, peered over my shoulder and told me that what I was reading was boring. Fair enough, really. There weren’t witty cartoons to go with the article. But I still think Inner Speech is important.

I mean it’s telling us how to live our lives. Our Inner Speech is like a little Monarch and our actions are like little civilians fulfilling the Monarch’s commands. And these civilians will influence how other little Monarchs will instruct their own little civilians. And thus we have a society. Profound, hey? Okay, maybe not. But still.

If there’s any confusion as to what is meant by Inner Speech: it’s the voice in your head that says, “GIRL, I COULD EAT YOU RIGHT UP,” when you smear on some red lipstick. (I should really wear lipstick more often.) It’s also the voice that calls you a “dipshit” when you forget to lock the cubicle door in a public rest room. (Sometimes the need to wee is stronger than the urge to lock, okay?) But Inner Speech is not the voice you hear when nobody else is around. If you hear that voice, or voices, I would strongly recommend getting a referral from the GP to see a psychiatrist.

Anyway, after Ellie told me that the article was boring, I asked her what her Inner Speech sounded like. She responded with:

“It sounds like me most of the time. But sometimes, if I’ve been watching a TV show, it’ll sound like a character from a TV show. Like the other day I was watching Friends, and then it sounded like Rachel from Friends.”

And then she went on with something pretty great:

“But when I’m having a meltdown, all of the Minions throw paper everywhere and a big alarm goes off.”



You know the yellow things in overalls from the "Despicable Me" movies? They’re what Ellie means when she says, “… the Minions…”

Lots of Minions, in a big multileveled office with industrial staircases, run her mind. They sit in wheelie chairs at trestle tables organising different aspects of her life. And whenever something becomes irrelevant, the Minion will pack up his stuff and that subject goes on hiatus; like her studies whenever she’s on holiday. And if something becomes so irrelevant that she doesn’t need it anymore, all of the files go down and out a rubbish shoot. So if you’re mean to Ellie she’ll probably throw everything about you in the bin. And then at the end of the day a Head Minion will march around telling the others to pack up and go to bed while he shuts the blinds and Ellie goes to sleep.

Ellie is one of the most imaginatively clever people I know, and the way she knows her own head is something I aspire to. She’s inspired me so much that I’m currently working on a mental workspace of my own. So far there’s a big round table with lots of coffee. I haven’t employed anyone yet. But I do think it’s so important to figure out the nooks and crannies of our minds: to discover how we function and what files go where, and to identify who’s running the show so we know where to go when something goes wrong. What, I think, is even more important is that we develop a friendship with whoever’s in charge. Because Monarch/Minion/whoever is going to be talking in your head for a very long time, and you need someone who you can trust: someone who will tell you how pretty you are, someone who will remind you to lock the cubicle door.


Personally, I have a lot of trust issues with my own Head-Honcho because she’s told me to do some pretty messed up shit in the past. But we’re working on our relationship; some Monarchs just need a little more patience and attention than others.